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17:03

Limbo

I’m currently in a state of limbo – between the world of university and the world that follows it, whatever that may be; more university, or perhaps the world of employment? Or to say it with less words: I have no idea what to do with my life. Only half a year ago I was on the other side of the globe, where I thought I found a place in this world for me. My study abroad semester was brilliant, as was travelling down under. I returned to Germany, where, exposed to the grumpy weather, I somehow managed to finish my studies. Now I have handed in my thesis and while I wait for the result, I’m idly sitting at home with no idea how to occupy myself.

I actually have a very clear goal, but unfortunately that goal currently seems unachievable. So instead I have to find an interim solution which can contribute to achieving my goal, but what form will this solution take? I’m absolutely clueless. I’m trying all possible paths in the hopes of achieving something in at least one of them.

Path A is the easiest: I simply continue studying at my university. I don’t even have to do much for that, I just go there when the next semester starts and attend courses for the master’s degree instead of the bachelor’s degree (eventually this involves a bit of paperwork once I actually have my bachelor’s degree). Path A is however probably my least favorite, for one simple reason: I HATE that university. I had to leave it and came back to realize this; this university is the crappiest in all of Germany. The buildings are falling apart, my fellow students are selfish, snobbish and unfriendly and the majority of classes don’t really interest me. Another con of Path A is that I would still not earn proper money (though it’s likely that I’ll get a scholarship and Bafög, however, that involves a partial loan which I eventually have to pay back). Path A is also annoying because the new semester doesn’t start until October, that’s another 3 months of me losing my mind from boredom. I suppose I could use that time to find a part-time job to earn some extra money – in fact I’ve been writing applications for some, so far without luck. What bothers me about these student jobs though is how abysmally terrible they pay.

Path B is similar to Path A: find another university for a master’s degree. This is tricky and has lots of cons: I’d have to commute or even move (which is costly) and if I want to go outside of Germany, it would be incredibly expensive and I missed all the deadlines for the upcoming semester anyway.

Path C would be a different one: find a full-time job. I’ve been applying to several full-time jobs here and some of them seem fairly interesting. I even have a first interview next week and the prospect of having a decent income again seems promising. However, I have been noticing that the longer I sit at home watching my grass grow, the less confidence I have in myself. Not receiving answers to all the job applications I write and not being chosen for jobs (I’ve been through 5 unsuccessful interviews in March) gives me the impression that I am not qualified for pretty much anything. This is also often the case when I read job openings; some of them demand skills I couldn’t even dream of. I have zero confidence in myself as a web developer because all I can do is CSS is very little jQuery, therefore I don’t even bother applying to such jobs anymore. Instead I usually apply for positions in quality assurance, social media marketing, content management, etc., because I think I could probably do those better. However, I know that I would likely receive minus points in any job interview because I am terrible at verbal communication. Though I’m a pretty decent writer, it’s sometimes hard for me to utter a coherent sentence. My brain constantly wants to spit out something in another language (doesn’t matter which language I’m speaking), thus my grammar is allover the place. On top of that, my enunciation is awful. So yeah, how will someone who hears me in a job interview ever want to hire me?!

Path D is the hardest path: be a totally independent freelancer in media production & web development. I have friends who are successful at this, but even here my confidence betrays me. I don’t think I have the personality to sell something to a private customer. Also, I’m not sure if I can really do these things – I’m not a great designer or layouter, I constantly encounter insurmountable obstacles in coding (even in CSS) and I can’t even get some pre-made js scripts to work. Also, I doubt that the kind of customers I would target would be able to pay me what I have in mind.

Being in this state of limbo is terrible. Every day I become less confident and more lethargic. With every job opening I read, I despair a little because I feel that no one would want to hire me. And while I wait for responses to my job applications, all I can do is get lost in video games. I wish I could motivate myself to do something productive, but I currently have zero motivation to even think of a project. I also don’t know what to do with myself if I would go out of the house – I don’t really have a lot of friends here I could do stuff with and going to the river or into the city by myself seems kinda pointless. When I was still writing my thesis, I went into the library everyday. But now I don’t have a purpose to go there, so I just avoid going there because it’s way too crowded anyway.

Let’s just hope someone will hire me soon, even though I wouldn’t understand why they’d do that…

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