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17:50

PTSDream: Kshor, the nightmare horse (TW)

Only a few days after blogging about challenging myself and facing my fears, my brain seems to have caught up on that topic by confronting me with one of my biggest, PTSD-induced fears. Before I go into the analysis, here is the scariest, weirdest, most ridiculous nightmare that I’ve had in a while, which woke me up this morning;

I was in a place that was a mixture of catacombs and the house I grew up in, or maybe one turned into the other. Stomping from the depths of the catacombs came Kshor, the monster horse that makes people disappear into thin air slowly when he touches them. Obviously he has quite the reputation, since everybody knows his name. He got someone in the catacombs, making them dissolve, and then he pursued me (or maybe not directly, maybe he just came in my general direction) with his ridiculously loud, slow, echoing stomps. When he came closer, I hid in the kitchen (I was now in a place very like the kitchen I grew up in), in between a cupboard and a sofa. I squeezed into a nook, trying to make myself as small as possible. As quickly and as quietly as possible, I tried to put on my shoes, as I was just getting ready to go to work and I was late. There were one or two other people in the kitchen, one of them was either Indiana Jones or my father, I’m not quite sure. Kshor was still stomping and emanated a general aura of fury, the wrath burning inside him like a fire (possible he was a bit dragon-like?). His presence filled me with an irrational amount of fear. Then, somehow, from one moment to the next, he was captured by Indiana Jones. The people proceeded to hang him up on a crane by the hind legs, and he looked much less threatening being just a pathetic horse struggling to get free from the ropes of the crane. We were now in some sort of square, and the people were throwing spears at him to kill him. I couldn’t bear to watch, because I love horses, so I mostly tried to look away. Then, when it was seemingly over, Kshor seemed to be back from the depths to pursue me, terrifying me with his wrath.

After I woke up, I realized very quickly that Kshor is my ex. Due to mild PTSD, I have an irrational fear of encountering him randomly in the city, and he is a very wrathful person1. The memory of him standing over me2, controlling every move I make, making snide remarks about everything I touch with that riduculously furious face, still haunts me. It’s very similar to what I was feeling when Kshor was approaching the kitchen.

Kshor makes people disappear into thin air, sucking the life out them. Since the break up, I’ve realized a lot of things about this relationship, and one of them was that I was mostly leading his life, not so much my own life. Constantly having my opinion dequalified and constantly having to take care of every little detail of life seems to have robbed me of a lot of my own personality.

After the trauma he put me through during the break up, I started phantasizing about punching him in the face a lot. That’s what happened with Kshor when he was captured, hung on a crane and had spears thrown at him. I’m not really sure how to further analyze this part of the dream… in general, I hate to see horses hurt, because I grew up loving horses and had a bit of a trauma when my horse died when I was 14. Possibly this part of the dream played out this way because I know that this is not a solution and in real life I would never actually punch him in the face. Also, since Kshor and his fury returned, it doesn’t seem to be a permanent solution.

With this dream, my brain might have given me a pretty good defense mechanism for my PTSD issues. Even though it was absolutely terrifying while I was still asleep, it is kind of hilarious now that I’m awake. Now when I think of encountering him, I can always conjure up the image of Kshor the nightmare horse, stomping through the kitchen. That image is kind of giving me the urge to laugh.

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